Whoa

Nobody reads this thing anyway, so Ill just write this in here.

Ever since my sister passed away, my life just seems so pointless.  Its like having my world and my heart ripped away from me.  Which basically means im just an empty body searching for something in the middle of nowhere.  Everything I do I keep thinking about how she cant be there with me ever again.  It just hurts way too much to know that she is gone...forever.  And that in a few years I wont have ANY recent memories of her.

You have to understand, she was the only thing that mattered in my life.  Whenever I would go to some family thing I didnt want to go to, Id always say "well at least Lisa will be there."  I cant say that anymore.  I dont want her to become just a memory but eventually i wont even be able to remember her face and what she sounded like.  I breakdown all the time thinking about her.  Knowing that my sister that I loved wont be able to see me make her proud just kills me.  She wont be able to see me when I get married or when I have kids.  She cant see me graduate from college or get my first real job.  Its too hard to know that and keep your life in one piece at the same time. 

Im really mad that I didnt take advantage of every opportunity I had to see her when she was alive.  I remember she e-mailed me and said "for your birthday, since jeff (my brother) hasnt gotten your present yet how about we go out and shop for both of us?"  What did I say?  Something along the line sof "sorry I cant respond right now, I have too much homework."  Why didnt I see her that one last time.  Why did all of this happen.  Why did the nicest person ive ever met have to die like this and suffer through cancer when she was in college.  Whats really horrible is that, what saved her originally, radiation, eventually was what caused her passing away.  It was a very rare case of radiation damage to the veins and well every part of her body.  Only 60 cases in the United States last year.

Why her?  That is all I ask.

I dont understand what I am supposed to do now knowing I can never see her again.  Do I let her become something of the past so I skip all of the sad emotions? or do I swear to never forget about her and take what comes with it.  Ive chosen to never forget about her and remember her every day.

When somebody means that much to you, its impossible to ever replace them.

If Ive learned anything from this, its to not take things for granted.  I knew she would always be there for me, so I felt I had time to respond to her calls and emails and arrange days to meet up.  I didnt have time.  Thats a mistake I will never make again.  Lisa, im sorry I couldnt have spent as much time with you to show you what you meant to me.  I know you cant read this, but I wish you could.

To make up for all the lost time over the rest of my life that you arent here with me, Im dedicating everything to you.  I promise to try my hardest in everything I do, just for you.  Whateve rit takes to make you proud, Ill do it.  Hopefully, you can still see me.

I guess that wasnt enough.

Ive lost the most important person in my life today.  I dont know what to say anymore.

I dont know what to say anymore.  None of this makes sense to me, and I dont understand why its happening.

All I can do is send out hope to God and the doctors that she'll be fine, but that might not be enough.

Please, someone, save my sister.  She means the world to me and I can't lose her.

woot

Almost back to full speed for track...still have to take advil and claritin before practice/meets though.  That sucks but whatever everything else is fine i guess.

Long break from school for a week so i dont have to do homework for a week.  Except for lame projects we got assigned for french and history.  But hey, thats what sunday night is for.

Turned in my history research paper.  Its basically, if I get an A on that then im set in the course.  If I get a C then im sunk.  I always do some little thing wrong in history on projects.  And because of this little thing (like spacing or underlining) i get fat point dockings of like 5-15 points.  I can only pray that I got an A on that.

School has been killing me this semester.  Im up till 2 am every night doing hw.  Its stupid because my parents say that i should be doing it ahead of time if i have this much, but i cant do projects ahead of time because of stuff due the next day.  Ah well, its almost done.  My Algebra 2 grade got beat down cause we are doing all this stuff i dont understand.  Its the type of stuff where like, when i study for 1-2 hours beofre the test with review problems from each section, I get it and I get the right answers.  But hten on the test, i dont know what happens.  I just get everything wrong.  I dont understand why though.  But whatever.

I just have to study harder and go in for help I guess.  Compared to the adversity other people i know are going through this is nothing.